Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
this is an emotional support booty call
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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