meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
