I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
