Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Who died my cat blue again?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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