Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
People in love make me want to vomit
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
