At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
