There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
