Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
