Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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