True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
