too bad you live with your parents still
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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