I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
