there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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