We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
