I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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