Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
