i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
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Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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