Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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