oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
