There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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