On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
