I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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