if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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