I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
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Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
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I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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