You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
