I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
