My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
