i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
