SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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