I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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