remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
