My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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