I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
