your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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