i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
