I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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