Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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