That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
