A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
