That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
