I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
