please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
