My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
