i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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