i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
