Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
