Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
