he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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