Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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