I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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