Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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