Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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