I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
