if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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