awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
