Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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