well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
