Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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