Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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